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In this space I’ll be writing rubbish about anything that tickles my fancy, so if you’re reading this, STOP! Time to get a life...

How to run a successful English school
–Tip # 1: Hire talented Japanese staff

One of the keys to running a good English school is to find Japanese staff members who are highly motivated, dedicated to their work and unwaveringly loyal to the boss. But since I couldn’t find anyone like that, I hired F-chan and M-chan.

I thought F-chan was perfect for the job of school manager. She was a non-smoking, solid English speaker who did her homework and had dreams of becoming a translator one day. Aside from that, she knew how to say no – a very important attribute in a small organization.

Unfortunately, except when cakes or pay rises are on offer, “No.” is the only thing F-chan knows how to say. Whenever I come up with some (brilliant) new plan the answer is always the same: “No, Nyet, Nein, Non,” take your pick.

So I learned that the only thing worse than hiring a ‘yes-man’is hiring a ‘no-woman’. Since I also married one, I really should have known better. Nevertheless, there is truth in that well-worn cliché, ‘live and learn'. So I did. I hired M-chan.

M-chan is a delight. She says yes to everything and laughs at all my (great) jokes. She also has a rich husband who might be useful if I need to borrow money.

And there’s more to M-chan’s talents. She is an excellent writer and does a fine job with our in-house newsletter – where she writes nice things about our students and nasty things about me because she thinks I can’t read Japanese. No bonus this year then (again).

Of course, a lack of bonus won’t hinder M-chan’s rather expensive shopping habits. She has a good nose for luxury items and a wealth of fashion information at her fingertips. She can name a top brand of shoes from twenty paces which is, obviously, an indispensable skill to have in an English school. It’s difficult to measure how much “Oooh, look! Prada!” can lift office morale. I just wonder how M-chan’s husband can afford her.

As for me, I cannot afford to be without F-chan and M-chan because they are not only a great team, but also responsible for all my mistakes. Better still, they never tell my wife where my secret money is hidden. So, life is good being the boss. No pain, no stress, and with fabulous staff, no headaches.

Now where did I put my aspirin?